2010..The year of the Tiger!!  My year

Thus far many changes for the better for me; and for my family.

As I write this, I am poised to hear good news which will bring me back into the classroom teaching again. 

This time out of the classroom has allowed me to refocus, re-evaluate and make important changes in my life.  Too often have I made compromises which have hindered me, just to placate someone else or meet their needs at the detriment of my own!

A fresh start, a Tiger year, and Spring is on its way!

Everything seems to be lining up nicely.  My health and fitness is returning to where I want it to be due to increased physical/mental activity and better sense of well-being since I have left my husband!  I realize now, that marriage is not an institution I ever want to be a part of.  It has only ever brought me heartache, at the expense of my own personal well-being!   Some people are better not to marry, and I am one of those people. 

When I reflect back on my happiest relationships they have been with people I didn't marry!  The biggest heartache of all was my marriage to Troy Dwayne Walker.   It seemed to be a match that would last a lifetime, if only it had been based on truth!   I'm sure there were times when he did love me?  At least I want to believe that, for surely I loved him with all there was to give.   It took me so long to let go emotionally.  Unable to reconcile what really went wrong, as there was never any real truth spoken from his mouth. 

Seems I have attracted fake, after fake...

Time for me to open my eyes and not be so accepting of words and judge actions first and foremost.  A fake cannot sustain their lies/falsehood...it becomes too much; this is when the ugly truth is revealed.  Suddenly, you wonder who is this person I am with?  Where is the man I fell in love with? Only to realize that you are part of the problem, of willingly allowing yourself to be deceived.  Too willing to believe, because not to believe, exposes the truth which is hard to swallow; to face!

And then there was Bob, he seemed so different, so kind and generous.  What a dream come true.  Anything I desired (reasonably) was granted.  Now surely, he was the man I could spend the rest of my life with?  But no, again, deceived.  Fake, fake, fake!   The wedding vows say in sickness and in health...it's easy to get along when times are good but the real test is when times are rough.

So many families across America, have tough times to face - those that survive support each other and rise up to the challenges they face together.  When I lost my job, Bob showed his true self.  How ugly it was, money first, pressure, constant pressure, resentment, petty arguments, constant complaining over not enough money.  Refusal to problem-solve together.  Refusal to work things out.  What a quitter!  How short-sighted.  So insecure and unmanly.  At least when Troy and I hit hard times we supported each other!   It came as such a shock that I would be emotionally deserted by my own husband at a time when I needed him most.  Ramblings of suicide, his insomnia, mood swings...all too much.  

And so it is, I have ended that unworthy union!   He even did not have the fortitude, courage to end it - I had to by leaving him finally.  Again, the measure of a man is the way in which he responds to adversity, challenges, changes in his life.  Bob's impulse is to lash out and be bitter, vengeful, vindictive and injurious!   He should be happy I made it easy for him, since it was what he asked for repeatedly "Leave, be gone" "I want a divorce" etc!   His empty threats to go himself, to file for divorce - were so transparent.  He is not a man, only a coward.  His cowardly acts were to change the locks, be nasty to my son when Anthony tried to reassure him that he had no beef with him, this break up was between Bob and I (nothing new to Anthony, he's learned how not to be by this kind of non-example of a man), cancel our car insurance, refuse to pay the mortgage, knowing full well I am without a job at the moment.

But that is all about to change.  For I will not stoop to his level.  I will go on, stronger than before, more successful and glad to be rid of the shortsighted deadweight which he is!

In this life, there are many opportunities for fortunes, misfortunes...whatever path is chosen, I will hold my head up high.  Am secure knowing that how I conduct myself is what I am accountable for!  Everyone is responsible for his/her own happiness.  Mine I carry inside myself, my view of life - my optimism is what helps me overcome difficult times and unsaddling myself from negative people is necessary for my survival and growth!

I consider myself always to have been blessed...living a full life.  When I look back on the years, it amazes me all that I have achieved...and there's so much more ahead.

I'm thankful for the beautiful joys in my life:

My husband, My sons, My new baby granddaughter

A beautiful home in a serene setting by the lake

New opportunities to travel and grow.

Looking forward to another Thanksgiving gathering with the extended family at our lakehouse home.

What's the worst type of illness?   This SWINE H1H1 flu is running rampant throughout Texas.  So many of my friends and family have been ill with it.   Anthony and Jenny both got Swine Flu - trying to take midterms with a fever of 102.5 can't be easy to do.  It's outright dangerous - you'd think there would be exceptions made when there is a pandemic flu.  As for me, I escaped with just the seasonal flu - probably made more susceptible running myself down not sleeping when Raegan was born.   But I would repeat it all over again!

To me the worst form of illness is not of the body but it's of the soul (the human spirit).  When someone suffers from an assault on their soul; it will destroy the whole person.  It leads to an array of unpleasant outcomes - physical; psychological; emotional.

In my lifetime, when I reflect on the many experiences of illnesses - I still vividly remember being 4 years old and having excruciating ear pain.  My mother used an onion and bread compress/poultice to draw out the infection.  It hurt like hell, but it worked!!!    Having double mumps (in both sides of the neck/ear region) also stands out as a worst experience.   Kids today are immunised from that, thank goodness.   As far as injuring myself; the three worst was when Charles broke two tendons in my left forearm trying to throw me down the stairs.  The pain lasted for many months.   I still am weak in my main arm now and can't grip well.   Slipping my 5th vertebrae out lifting out a 50lb rabbit food for my mum from the trunk of my car - that laid me flat on my back for six weeks and Julia came to help me look after the boys in Korokoro.  The third one was so silly, I was rollerskating; came off the rink onto the carpeted area and awkwardly landed my right ankle down heavily - that took months to stop hurting too and thickened my ankle an extra inch which is still noticeable to me.

Pretty fortunate really on my body accidents and disease.  Had a scare in 2001 with cervical cancer; but was fortunate that everything turned out to be okay.   It did prompt me to reevaluate how I was living at the time.   I resolved to do better at taking care of my body.    But by 2005 I was right back to where I was in 2001...not exercising and only sometimes eating right.   It led to a weight gain of 25lbs which is really hard to remove now.

So At the beginning of October, I began really working towards a goal to lose those 25lbs for good.   Have been exercising at the free gym at least 3-5 times a week for 30mins-1 hr.  I can now do 4 minute miles on the recumbent bike; 70lbs inner/outer thigh repetitions; 130lb Leg prlbs; 40lb Shoulder press; 70lbs back press.   Cut my daily calorie intake to 1500-1800.   Mostly keeping to the 1500 on days I don't exercise.  

While I haven't shift those pounds yet; I know I am toning up well - my legs and back and shoulders are stronger.   I am beginning to lose inches off my waist (yay).   As my body always builds muscle first, it's not suprising that I haven't any weight loss...but I'm gonna keep persevering.

It's fantastic that Bob has got on board with me and we go to exercise at the gym a few times a week together.   He has really cut down his portions.  I'm so proud of his efforts.   He just needs to take it easy on his poor body which has had a much rougher time with 18 wheeler ploughing into his work vehicle.  His football injuries etc left his knees very weak.

But it is the psychological stress which wears a person's spirit down.   The longer I am without a job; the more I question whether I should continue with classroom teaching.  I never want to experience what I was subjected to last year.  It was intolerable and too much for me to bear.   I've seen the resulting impact on my body with my hormones being out of balance; my menstrual cycle; lack of energy and feeling low.  Being taken advantage of, when I am so giving to others really has knoced my spirits.   But this past Thursday night I had an epiphany when the students came marching through my door to hold an organizing meeting for a Halloween Party.

Now I'm excited about hosting it here in our home.   It engenders and rekindles all those great feelings I've always felt when I've worked closely with the youth.

There is no way I cannot work with them in some capacity.

Arrival of September brought much awaited reprieve from the summer heat...now it dropped down to the 90s and stirred up excitement.

For September 23rd was to mark the arrival of my first grandchild:  Raegan Amarah  She was heralded by a waiting room full of eager family and friends (12 or so); Divina was amazing how exceedingly calm and composed she remained throughout the day.  By the evening, news came that her efforts to have a normal delivery were thwarted with the baby tiring and it was advised for an emergency c-section.

Just after 6pm little Raegan burst forth with piercing cries as she filled her lungs with air for the first time and let it be known to the whole world she had arrived!

Such a joyous time; though Richard was the first to spend times with her during the first hours of her life.  An early morning call sent me back to the hospital to keep watch and help Divina with the baby.   It was a wonderful two days while I marveled at this little perfect baby; her skin was milky pink (just like mine), dark hair and barrelled chested; the cutest little fingers and toes and narrow long face like Divina's.   She didn't much like the nursery, so we kept her with us in the hospital room.  Thursday night I didn't sleep at all, and Divina would have been lucky to get a total of an hour's sleep in broken bits.  By Friday night I knew I was getting rundown.   I left to go home and sleep.

That weekend, the joy of the new baby kept my spirits strong.   I did a trip back to Houston and stayed with Jodie till Wednesday - our third wedding anniversary.   On returning; sick and on antibiotics Lisa had given me from Mexico  - Bob had two dozen roses in lime and white.  Champagne and a beautiful card - I had bought olives and feta cheese and we had it on crackers and enjoyed the last couple of hours of our Anniversary together.

Now I have so many reasons to always love the month of September

Living in Austin this summer was not what I have envisioned...70 days or so of 100+ Degree Days; the sun blazed from sun up to sun down... it seemed endless.

The drought took its toll on the lakes; lake levels reaching alltime lows (some in recorded history).  Meanwhile, I spent most of the summer indoors - something I detest!!!   Houston summers were better!!!   Despite the humidity, at least there were always breaks where the temperatures varied some and the rain made it feel more tolerable.

I only kayaked on the lake a couple of times.  By July, it was so hot in the lake, it was unhealthy to dunk in it; bacteria levels made it questionable to swim.   The only safe swimming place was the community pool and they were clorining it daily.

As summer progressed my job search looked more promising with three interviews; two shortlisted.  One is still live...bureaucracy at this time of the recession is ridiculous.   Funding approvals for the position I applied for seem to be the current obstacle.   Should I take a lesser job?   The finances have dried up and we are carefully spending every dollar which Bob earns.  Thank goodness for his second job.  But it makes me feel bad, we don't live in an easy to get a job area living far away from the city.

So I just remain hopeful that I will get good news very soon.  In the meantime, I've turned my attention to getting myself back into fighting shape (smile).  If only Bob would get on board, it would be that much easier to remain consistently focused.

Staying in Lucea, Jamaica was just a fantastic experience - far beyond my expectations.  Perhaps it was how I was reminded of the homeland "Aotearoa".  

Each day, we would sit out on the front verandah with our host family, interacting with the people as they passed by.  Walking was a common, everyday activity - easily putting in 10 miles ambling into town; across to the other side of town to the infirmary bringing some joy to the sickly people who called it home (uno - card games; jewellery making); soaking up the sun and the beautiful ocean water. 

Rooming with Reesa, writing in our journals each day, looking out for each other while we negotiated our way around the local places:  built a special camaraderie.   The most challenging adjustment for us was not the way we had to take cold showers (spray 30 seconds, soap up, then rinse off) but contending with being woken up by a blaring home audio system at 4.30 or 5am.   We loved the plentiful fresh fruit:  mangoes could be picked up as we walked around and eaten.  

The people were exceptionally friendly and appreciative of our community service efforts in the town.  I loved going to the Lucea Primary School to offer my expertise in the area  of Reading/Composition Writing and Social Studies.  Reading to the children at the community library - the eager faces of the children as they interacted with the story reading along and making predictions; just priceless.

Poverty was everywhere; yet so were smiling faces and a contentment in the way people lived their lives which I had not seen in the USA and back in New Zealand, seldom see nowadays.  Alas, as New Zealand has grown, it has many aspects of modern American society which should not be emulated:   self-obsession with staying young; unhealthy competition without regard for others; disgusting behavior; no sense of community.

In Lucea, everyone was included in the community - God Fearing church attenders walked alongside the rastas; people peddled their wares; had their own little enterprises; looked out for each other; exchanged goods and services in a refreshingly good humored way.  It was simply inspiring.

I even went to far as getting my hair fully braided

It was to be expected that I would be stopped at Immigration/Passport Control on my re-entry to the USA.  White girl wearing braids; this can't be the same person as in the passport photo?

My host family gave us Jamaican music to bring back to share with the rest of our group.  Will remain as an alltime favorite place in my heart and soul.  Would love to go back again one day and visit the people again.

This experience is nothing like the tourist experience - the shopping in Lucea offered an opportunity to patronage the locals who live off very small incomes.  Anyone reading this blog - I encourage you to make the town of Lucea a shopping stop; it's not pretty like the pristine tourist resorts - it's just a real place where the real Jamaicans live and you can get yourself a taste of the Real Jamaica Mon!

Lest I forget, the excursion to nearby Dolphin Mountain was a hidden delight - and a reminder to us not to ignore weather forecasts:  when it predicts a downpour at 1pm you better be off the mountain!   Instead, we were standing victoriously at the summit when the heavens opened up...

Needless to say, shivering and soaking - wringing out my hair; clothes and emptying my shoes of water; still didn't damper the whole experience.  A great jungle nature experience - not to be missed if you are an outdoors adventurer.  Just make sure you have a good pair of shoes and relatively fit to goat climb (goats are amazingly agile and surefooted, a prerequisite if you don't want to find yourself falling flat on your rump).

I will add pictures to an album soon.

Summer is my favorite season - long hot seemingly endless days and on vacation     By the end of the week I will be finished with school, taking part in the first state conference for Leos and on my way to Jamaica.

Yesterday, had to be the best day in months for me.   I learned that Qualls is leaving Lago (trumpets please).  This news put me in a very good mood - despite the fact that I hadn't made any progress with losing weight, I have no doubt it will happen after this week.   Using my gift vouchers for my birthday and a 30% discount coupon I saved an amazing $485 while only spending $38 buying clothes, chair pads, baby things and an anti-gravity chair.

The specials at Kohls were crazy - up to 80% off and then using my 30% discount voucher...you can see why I didn't spend much money but toted home a car load of stuff.

This put me in an extremely exuberant mood - I bought a dark brown 3 tone hair dye  and cut my hair.  Bob requested a little fashion show to see me modelling the new clothes.  Everything I bought looks fantastic on me.

To add to this great personal news, both my sons had announcements to make:    Richard requested "the ring" which means there will be a wedding sometime next year.  Anthony called and had decided to transfer his work out of the seedy part of Austin (great relief about that) and declared he was done with two years of college partying. Time to concentrate on his goals.  I think his two new roommates probably have a lot to do with his decision in addition to the rising racial tension in that part of town since the police (a Hispanic) killed a teenage boy under dubious circumstances.

Bob's new fence installed to protect my vegetable garden and keep the deer out looks great and is very effective.

Time for work....

Another birthday past, celebrated with family: Bob, Rich, Ant, Tom and Allene and Divina and Jenny at Cheddars.  The meals were huge - so plenty to take home for another meal.

I had left over Salmon the next morning with toasted almonds and pancakes.

Great news on Friday - Richard starts his new job on Monday.  We were all thrilled for him.  It's a big relief knowing he will be earning money and gaining valuable industry experience.   I also spent all day working on teacher applications.  Really demotivated to get another job, just because "here I go again" just a year ago I thought this would be it till we eventually retire and move back to New Zealand.

Richard cooked a yummy dinner - he is the master chef of cooking meat.  Divina showed me the ultrasound pics - they weren't very clear.  The EDD has moved forward to September 28th.   Bob and I have been busy going to garage sales getting items.  The big ones like a baby crib and a full size stroller and carseat.  A few baby clothes too.

It's also been a month of reacquainting with family and friends - one of my old high school friends, Linda Nyland - and my eldest girl cousin Dyanna.  Am so looking forward to seeing everyone when I return to NZ. It's been too long.

Yesterday, Jodie arrived for the holiday weekend.   We had a lazy afternoon.  Finally going for a walk in the evening after it had stopped raining.  Just before dinner was served, a friend I hadn't been in contact with for almost 8 years popped up on the chat screen.   I love facebook.  We chatted for a while before I cooked a chicken curry and devils foodcake for dessert, which was well appreciated by Bob and Jodie - washed down with a glass of red wine.

Oreo is such a well behaved dog - I don't mind dogs like that    My garden is coming along well, there are chili peppers growing on the plants now.  The tomato plants are still getting bigger.   Something has been eating the greens I planted - most likely culprit is a rabbit.  We have lots of bunnies here.  The deer have been keep out with the fencing Bob erected, but the rabbits have found a way in.

This morning Jodie and I played golf and it was hilarious - once we figured out which way to go on the course, we were having a lot of laughs until it downpoured on us at the 7th hole.   We decided to continue finishing the 9 holes and then retire for a raincheck.  

Bob has been busy working all weekend - he didn't seem very happy about working every day - but he did take Friday off from the Post Office.   The extra money is going to help us out tremendously.

It's countdown till school is out only 7 more school days!...and I'm going to take a little nap now after walking Oreo in the heat     The birds are chirping and there's a gentle breeze running through the house with the french doors open.  An idyllic, lazy Sunday afternoon.

Tom and Linda have taken the kayaks out on the Lake; later we'll all be socializing - Jodie's gone to the store to get more groceries.

Afternoon siesta for me.

Everything looks more beautiful after it has rained.  In the past month, we've finally had a few inchees of rain.   The drought stricken ground has been replaced with a flourish of vibrant colors:  tiniest white daisies I've ever seen, yellow and purple flowers, orange pansie like flowers which stand tall.  I transplanted a few and placed them beneath the cedar trees.

My new garden is brimming full of fledgling greens, onions, potatoes, garlic.  In patio pots I have picante peppers, tomatoes (2 varieties), green and red bell peppers, egg plant, a lemon tree full of flowers, lavendar.  By early June the first greens will be ready to eat.

The little sapling trees are bursting forth with leaves: pecan, red maple, red bud, oak, raintree, weeping willow, hyacinth, hydrangea and a couple of exotics I don't know their namesetc.

I gardened outdoors early this morning - the temperature was probably mid 70s.  It is expected to be 90+ degs today.   With all this rain, the weeds have sprouted too - and I discovered an ant's nest beneath a large rock - so we need to put something down in the ground to kill them.  The ants in Texas are vicious.

The cactus is pretty tasty, I had to cut some down today to pull up a flowering bush I wanted to transplant.  It was being crowded out by the cactus.  One day, I will try pickling it.  I have a jar of pickled cactus in the refrigerator.  It has a slimey quality - sticky and watery but great on crackers with cheese and some hot sauce!

Less than a month of school left.   Hooray!!!!  There are many things I would love to write about school which will have to wait.

My weightloss is not progressing - I will be brave and each week print my weight.  That will embarrass me into action!  I have been so lazy about exercising.  Summer is on its way and it's time to stop thinking about it and doing it.  Gardening outdoors was at least some healthy exercise. I broke out into a sweat about half an hour after being outdoors.  Later I will take a two mile walk. 

My current weight is: 187 - I have been as low as 184 in the past couple of weeks.  But stress just puts it back on again. Being 5ft 7, it  means I have a good 50 lbs to lose.  The number seems huge.  Not that 50 is needed to be healthy. Losing 20 will be good.  My current goal is to get under 180. I will give myself four weeks to get down to 175...it should be achievable (it's about 3lbs a week to lose).  It will be the first time I've been that weight in three years.

Printing it in my blog will keep me focused on actually sticking to my weight loss goal.  My efforts in the past couple of years have been abysmal, in other words hopeless and pathetic.

Life as always finds balance - even when things are at their most challenging.   While I still need to seek another job teaching to finish my Masters' commitment, and that leaves a very sour note in the pit of my throat, I am feeling very positive about what summer and beyond will bring.

I can hardly complain, there is so much to look forward to:

Travelling internationally again this summer! It's been seven long years!!

I have seen so much more of Texas this past year from Del Rio and will be up in the Pan Handle (Lubbock).

This makes it a little easier to accept the recession - even that in a strange way has helped us live our lives more effectively.  Less wastage - economize, economize.  Today I was able to save us $300 per month with a mortgage rate reduction and cutting  back on our cellphone plans.  Already chopped the cable service - we hardly ever watch movies and when we do we can use the Netflix service for just a few dollars a month.  It is crazy to pay for tv cable service!  I'm still looking at how I can get a better deal for internet service.  Paid off my store cards and just have one credit card balance.

Bob even decided to get a second part time job just in case I can't get another teaching job at the same pay (I know it's going to cost more to travel to work - no more driving 10 minutes to work).   So we know we will get by okay.

Am really happy I'm beginning to lose weight (10lbs and going for the next 20).  This summer I'll be out on the lake kayaking, walking more and swimming.

Easter certainly is a great time to take stock and realize life is always what you make it, so get up and make a change to improve your situation!

It has been almost six months since I last blogged!   Busy life and the internet was LOW on the priorities list.

To update:  We finished building our new home and now enjoying the more leisurely lake life...well that was the plan.  However, my new teaching job has been living hell in more ways than one - consuming much of my time and energy.  After a semester off from graduate studies, I'm semi- back in study mode.  Loving the course and looking forward to the end of my Masters' Studies in June.   Jamaica awaits my arrival for a multicultural immersion into the culture:  wonderful way to end my studies.   Also, I took on a co-chair position for the state of Texas for LEOS, which has meant alot of travel - pity it is community (volunteer) work.    Rich and Divina are expecting their first baby YAY I will be a NANA    Don't like empty nesting... and our new home has plenty of room for extra family.  Ant is doing great in college (GPA 3.94) and transferring to UT to join the pre-med program.   Am so proud of him working while he's in college and maintaining his almost perfect grades.

Those were the wonderful things happening in my life.

However, it is never all roses...

The recession is a major B#$%@ and it's affecting almost everyone I know in some way.

Rich was laid off and trying to find work.  My job is far from secure and am battling to keep it.  Bob's job is properly going to have major changes and pay cut.    The financial news is all ICK, including the years of putting away for retirement - only to find it eroded by the recession.  

All I can say is :  KIA KAHA  (Be strong)

Balance will be restored again...

In the meantime, Spring is on its way at last and we will be able to enjoy our first Spring and Summer at the Lake.   Will be posting pics soon.